Live from the Porcelain City

Come on. You know you do it. I know you know you do it. For sure, I’m not the only one in the world who performs such an unspeakable evil. Even your own mother does it, most likely. And if your grandmother could, well she would too!

Frowned upon by anyone, practiced by everyone…I’m talking about…

Laptops in the bathroom. Don’t! Don’t give me that look! The comfort, the practicality of it all! And in the winter, it warms your tush. It’s your own personal heater and entertainment system all in one. Oh, you say you take a paper or magazine? Probably some popular name that, no doubt, can be found on the internet.

Don’t you lie to me!

Hey, listen. I’m not gonna judge you. I’m one of you, man. Chillax. Feel the plastic underneath your skin, recline against that porcelain wall. Type your little heart away. I feel ya.

No,no. Shh. I’m not gonna tell anyone. You and I, we’re bros now. There’s no turning back. In fact, we’re laptop-in-the-bathroom bros. Or hoes. ‘Cause I’m pretty sure if a hoe has a laptop, she uses it there. I don’t discriminate.

Brown, black, purple, caterpillar: I don’t care what you look like. You use your laptop in the bathroom. Admit it! How many times do you find yourself at a friend’s house, looking longingly down the hall and into the bathroom? Time is limited. Bowels don’t wait. Calculations are made. Can I make it there and back with my laptop and have no one notice?

We can’t keep living in the shadows like this! Life’s too short to be sitting on the can without your laptop anywhere from five to fifteen minutes! Oh, my  god. I’ve got it.

We should make a petition. Or broadcast from our bathrooms! Yeah! That’s ingenious. Embrace your primitive side! You take your dump and message your friends on Facebook at the same time! Let the whole world know you won’t stand for this anymore.

I use my laptop in the bathroom, and you like it. That’s your new mantra.

Learn it.

Live it.

Love it.

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