Have I got some news for you! So Facebook came out with this new timeline thing where you can see all of your future spouse’s statuses since the beginning of time! Remember that one status that one year where she vaguely mentioned how she passed by a strange, lanky man in a trench coat at a movie theater?
That was you!
With this time saving feature, drab clicking for “older posts” is a thing of the past. You can read and reread all their lovable statuses time and time again.
But wait! It’s not only for you, Facebook stalker! How about you there, crazed ex-girlfriend? Are you, too, ready to relive the past? It’s almost like Nick never dumped you after you threatened to skin him for a pillow case. Immerse yourself in a reality that will never return!
Just don’t expect him to be there in the morning.
What about you, jealous classmate? So what if no one knew your name and the prom queen “accidentally” spilled fruit punch on your white dress? You’re obviously the better off one, with your career and whatnot. Now you can go through her personal history and read all the fun, peaked-in-high-school, whiny statuses about her four children that make you reel in laughter!
You maniacal genius you!
Not to mention you can even watch her face deteriorate over the years! Simply start from the beginning and slowly, so slowly, work your way up to the present. Damn, she’s got a wrinkle for every greenhouse gas in the atmosphere now.