Category Archives: Roommates

Haiku by Heather

Demon Flying Roach
What the fuck? Shit Shit Shit Shit
Holy Fuck, no bug spray

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Blackjack

I have officially been 21 years old for two weeks now( why did I decided to write this post after two weeks? Well, it was going to be after one but I got lazy…). So what has happened, now that I’ve reached the age of adulthood?

1. I got into a fight with my roommates, while sober. But I like to think of it as practice for when I’m not sober.

2. I’ve still officially never been drunk for a little over 21 years. I did have a couple of frou-frou drinks( e.g. Smirnoff Green Apple things and Mike’s Hard Lemonade) though.

3. I can own a gun,presumably for when I have fights with my roommates and I’m drunk. Or sober.

4. My humor has become much more macabre. See above.

5. Every ache and pain in my body feels like it needs immediate attention. It’s just practice for this new half of my life where you need to be wary of what happens to your body as you go south.

6. I called the bank and got my overdraft fees removed. Yeah, ’cause I’m just that adult-like!

7. I have decided that I’m definitely not an adult for the following reasons: toilet humor rends me handicapped, people tripping brings me joy, I make ill comments about anyone, I play more video games than I should, and I procrastinate like there’s no tomorrow(which is hard). There’s more, but I’m going to try to keep some of my “dignity.”

8. A couple of days ago, I spelled the word lightning “lightening.” I died a little inside. In my defense, it was on an on-screen keyboard. Come on, those things suck…

9. I know I had one for nine, but…

10. On the same subject, my memory is just not what it used to be. I now fully rely on post-its. EVERYWHERE.

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DON’T PANIC

I live at school. During Christmas break, I come home and bring most of my junk with me, especially the things that need to be washed (an early Christmas present for my darling mother). However, I do, from time to time, take trips back to my dorm, as I did this exceptionally fateful day.

Okay, maybe fateful is a tad over dramatic.

Well, I was having myself a nice chat with the boyfriend over the interspace and he tells me he’d be right over. Cue this face:

Mushroom cloud of trepidation.

Why? Because I stink. Not a problem! You say. Just take a shower. That’s what I thought too. I grabbed some articles of clothing and went my merry way when I stopped cold. I forgot to bring a towel. My roommate was sleeping. I could have stolen her towel, but that’s just so wrong. What else could I do? Air dry? No, that would take too long. So then, what’s just as good as towels?

Paper towels.

Naked, I dashed into the living room, grabbed the towels and ran back into the bathroom. All right, let’s do this! La, la, la, la, la! In the shower! All’s good. I step out, rip off a piece of paper towel, and start dabbin’ myself. One paper towel soaked. Two paper towels soaked. Three. Four. Five! Oh gawd, too many paper towels. I’m way too eco-friendly for this. As I stood there, naked and cold, I had a great idea!

I’ll use the door! So I opened the door, made sure everyone was still sleeping, and then started swinging it back and forth between my hands. Sure, the burst of air was freezing, but tell you what. It got the job done. In a strange way. And, so as to please your hypothetical side, I have included a diagram of what that may have looked like, should you have been the unlucky bastard looking down the hall.

Notice the shower cap. Hot, huh?

Was I dry? Indeed. Was it weird? Quite. Mission accomplished? Verily! I slipped on some undergarments and for the next 15 minutes, chilled in mah undies. Turned on the tube, flipped through the channels a bit, enjoyed my new-found faux-naturel state…

And then the air came on.

Always know where your towel is.

-Douglas Adams

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Passive Aggressive Notes to Roommates #1

My roommates tend to slip up when it comes to cleaning. One in particular always leaves a mess of toothpaste all over the sink. Looks like a minty rainfall. The mirrors over the sink rarely escape the toothpaste splatter as well. Needless to say, I wasn’t diggin’ it, but I didn’t want to confront them and seem like the bad guy. Hence, the birth of this post-it:

Our mirrors double as vanities...

I put it up right before bed; that way, they’d see it first thing in the morning, right? Well, when I woke up, the note was gone. I looked around a bit and found it in the trash bin, crumpled half-assedly. I rewrote it and stuck that mofo right back up.

The sinks look a little better.

As for the dishes…That’s another story. I’m the main dishwasher. I’ll wash whatever’s in the sink. Only one of my three roommates washes her own plates and nothing else. The other two simply forget while walking past the radioactive monster lurking in our kitchen sink or just don’t like washing dishes.

So I wrote a note to put over the sink.

It got a lot of laughs, maybe a couple of washed dishes, but alas! The task will always be mine…

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