We’re Famous!

No, we’re not really famous. Mostly in my head. But the good news is The Rubbe has been nominated for the Versatile Blogger award! Of course, it goes without saying that we were nominated by an incredibly smart and telling blogger with a knack for copious amounts of innuendo. Don’t believe me? Then run over to A Spoonful of Suga here. You shan’t be disappointed!

Here's the award. Ain't it neat?!

In order to be fully initiated, I must go through ritual couchsurfing and must order myself a pizza, which I’ve already gone ahead and done. Also, these rules:

  1.  Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post.
  2.  Share 7 things about yourself.
  3.  Pass this award along to seven others.
  4.  Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.

The Nominations!

Most of the blogs I follow have already won this prestigious award, so it was very hard to find blogs that also deserve it. But lo and behold! Here they are.

Becoming Cliche A mother’s fearless journey through life, sweaters, and randomness.

Nullam, Potius, Citius, Fortius Random everything, from Michael Buble  to Tina Fey, take a stroll through this girl’s head.

Awkward Life in Detail  If I wrote about my life, bit by bit, it probably wouldn’t be nearly as funny or entertaining as this. Definitely some life saving tips here.

My Happy Happenings Humor. Food. ‘Nough said.

The Panda Chronicles Oh gawd. Pandas!

The Drunken Warrior Sad poetry. Happy poetry. Weird poetry. Just don’t expect much of that happy stuff.

Seven Things about the Rubbe

  1. Lissy’s favorite colors are purple and green.
  2. Heather loves all things tiny and adorable.
  3. If Gabriel were female, he’d probably sleep with the entire Miami Heat team.
  4. Lissy used to be a bio-engineering major due to her love of science, but because of her hate of math, became an English major instead.
  5. Heather isn’t too fond of math either. In fact, she’d like to know who the hell Math thinks he is, acting like he’s such a big shot. Screw you, Math. Screw. You.
  6. Should Lissy ever see a professional, she could be diagnosed with OCD, intense paranoia, multiple social disorders(like extreme timidity), low blood pressure, random twitches, irritable bowel syndrome, pinched nerves, scoliosis, stomach ulcers, and most likely hypochondria.
  7. Heather likes to eat Cool Ranch Doritos, and would love it if you went out and bought her some.

Now That We’re Slightly Famous(Not Really)

We’ll be doing a lot less of this…

And a lot more of this.

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Would You Rather Wednesday #2

Happy New Year everyone! Now it’s time to bring the awkward back.

This week’s question:

Would you rather be raped by an army of gummy bears

or

listen to Rihanna’s single “Umbrella” for 8 consecutive hours?

The choice is yours...

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The Nod

During the holiday season, traffic tends to be unbearable. We spend hours in bumper to bumper traffic where I suspect, if cars were people, they would be very upset. Now, when I say traffic, I don’t mean just cars. If you live in any of the vacation cities (Miami, New York City, etc) then you get this. We got bikes, we got children, we got pieces of rubber running throughout the roads. It is usually this time of the year where pedestrians get on our nerves. Many of us wish to buy into the impulse and just run them over. Some of us do.

But wait! There’s hope for those pesky pedestrians yet.

Now, I’m sure you know the nod. Yes, the nod. If you’re not an asshole, you’ve too have done the nod. Say, you’re crossing in front of a car that’s about to park. This driver now has to wait for your jolly ass to shimmy across his future parking space, oh, from 30 seconds up to 4 minutes (You know who you are…). However, in your ultimate gift to humanity, as you finally finish taking up the driver’s time, you give them a nod.

It is now that the chaotic universe has been restored to its former glory.

The Two Steps of the Nod

There are those amazing individuals who give the nod right at the start of the process, whereby all annoyance is forgiven. Then there are those unfortunate people who wait until the very last moment to give the nod, thereby filling within the driver a growing hatred for all mankind. I believe these kinds of nodders live on an adrenaline rush. But no worries! As long as the nod is given, your karma will remain in tact.

This morning, one of our very own writers, Heather, became the target of hate and frustration everywhere. Let’s hear her story:

When I was making my way to my job, I had to cross three lanes to get to my lane to turn into the parking lot and I crossed two lanes without problem but then in the third lane, someone snuck up behind me and I almost hit them. So I was like “Oh shit…,” and went to my regular lane, let him pass, and then continued on

I will EAT YOUR YOUNG.

Achievement Unlocked! Avoided hate face.

my way. Well, I hit a red light and we both were side by side so I was like “Oh god, he’s gonna give me the ‘I hate you look'”, so i quickly looked at him and mouthed “sorry!” and held up my hand in that little wave that people make, haha. So he nodded back at me and we both went our merry way.

Thank you, Heather. What a stand up citizen! You avoided a crash and stopped a man from beating his frustration out on his wife.

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Fellow Rubbes!

Happy New Year!

We’d like to be able to give you a HILARIOUS post, but we’d really just rather get drunk!

Stay Safe!

Stay Happy!

And don’t lick the rug!

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Picking the Perfect Tree

Merry Christmas fellow Rubbeites (I don’t know what to call ya yet… I’m working on it…) By now, you all have already probably torn all your gift wrappings to shreds and created a mini-Armageddon under your Christmas tree, and so in all honesty it’s WAAAAY too late to put all the things I’m about to tell you to good use, but there’s always next year.
After years of observing other people select and erect their great symbols of Christmas cheer, otherwise known as the coveted Christmas tree, I’ve noticed a little bit of a problem. Some people pick out the worst Christmas trees. I see them on the hoods of cars riding down the street, and I wonder how they EVER are going to decorate it. So, in the spirit of giving, I’ve decided to offer some tips on making your next tree-decision the best in your life.

  1. Avoid the “Charlie Brown” Tree


Ya, I know, that Christmas special is a classic. It teaches the true meaning of Christmas. But I’m sorry to say, the meaning of Christmas is not to get a withering, dying, tiny tree with 4 branches that can’t hold even the smallest ornament without toppling the whole thing over. It doesn’t look “cute” and there certainly is nothing redeeming about it. I mean, what the heck is Santa supposed to fit under there, a few candy canes? This brings me to my next point:

  1. Bottom Ring Radius (or BRR)

When your BRR is too low, you'll have to cut into your beautiful tree to make space for presents. Even drawing this hurt me a little.


This is a little statistic I literally JUST created, but I think it is an extremely important aspect to a good tree. Allow me to explain: BRR is, basically, the amount of space left under the base of the tree, measured by the circumference of the bottom-most ring of branches of the tree (oooor something like that). Why is this important? Well, it’s very simple really. The more space there is under the tree, the more gifts Santa can fit, and the happier everyone will be on Christmas morning. It means more wrapped boxes, bigger train sets, and all that good stuff! So yeah, BRR is pretty important. Obviously, the bigger the tree, the higher the BRR will be, but sometimes you’ll just have to compromise depending on your height requirements.

  1. Symmetry


This seems like a relatively obvious thing, but this has to be the one offense people commit the most. There is absolutely nothing worse than having a tree that looks like it got into a horrible accident with a buzz saw, and therefore looks as 3-dimensional as a piece of paper. Sure, there are plenty of ways to cover it up, like putting it in a corner and decorating the good side, but that’s just plain wrong. And, if you DID try to decorate it as a whole, it’d be an absolute nightmare. Just trying to wrap tinsel and lights around that thing will drive you insane, and it won’t look that good either. Most importantly, however, a non-symmetrical tree effectively cuts your BRR in half! Half the tree, half the gifts.

So there you have it; three of the most important things to getting a good tree, and, ultimately, more presents! Now, if you messed up this year and made one of these mistakes, don’t worry; I’ve heard that Santa’s a pretty forgiving guy. Just leave him some milk and cookies, and he’ll do his absolute best to work with all of your lacking BRR.

Gabriel Otero

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Baby, It’s Rapey Inside

Today, we’ll be taking one of the holiday’s most beloved songs and really taking a closer look. Now, here’s a song people choose to sing often. You hear it on the radio throughout winter. Even school children are taught this song. Baby, It’s Cold Outside, the hit single by Frank Loesser (notice the last name here…) is filled with some lovable notes, and some really lovable notes. So here it is, for your inspection, The Rubbe’s interpretation of…

Baby, It’s Cold Outside

I really can’t stay – Baby it’s cold outside
I’ve got to go away – Baby it’s cold outside
Okay, here we start with two people. One is telling the other that he/she has to go home. The other is not listening, and repeating the obvious. For reasons, I am going to say the first is a girl and the second is a boy.

This evening has been – Been hoping that you’d drop in
So very nice – I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice
So in these lines she’s ready to go home, but he’s not having that.

My mother will start to worry – Beautiful, what’s your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor – Listen to the fireplace roar
She’s telling him that her mother and father are going to be looking for her. She’s letting him know that whatever happens tonight, he won’t get away with it.

So really I’d better scurry – Beautiful, please don’t hurry
Well Maybe just a half a drink more – Put some music on while I pour
Now here, she’s obviously developing pity. “Maybe he’ll leave me alone if I comply,” she thinks to herself.

The neighbors might think – Baby, it’s bad out there
Say, what’s in this drink – No cabs to be had out there
And suddenly we know what kind of night we’re heading for. He’s put something in her drink. It’s caused her to forget what she was going to say about her neighbors. This is horrible…

I wish I knew how – Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell – I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell
She’s been roofied. Or something worse. She’s starting to develop some kind of Stockholm syndrome. Poor woman. Off with her hat, and now he’s a little more comfortable. 

I ought to say no, no, no, sir – Mind if I move a little closer
At least I’m gonna say that I tried – What’s the sense in hurting my pride
She knows she should fight, but the roofies aren’t letting her, and he’s slowly painting the scene.

I really can’t stay – Baby don’t hold out
Ahh, but it’s cold outside
Baby don’t hold out? Oh, fuck.

C’mon baby I simply must go – Baby, it’s cold outside
The answer is no – Ooh baby, it’s cold outside
She’s trying to fight back. Now he’s back to stating the obvious; telling her that it’d be ridiculous to leave since she’d freeze… He’s trying to say there’s no hope.

This welcome has been – I’m lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm — Look out the window at that storm
“Why would you want to leave my cozy house?” he says. “Look at that weather. It’s better to be here, where I can rape you.”

My sister will be suspicious – Gosh, your lips look so delicious
My brother will be there at the door – Waves upon a tropical shore
Again she tries to let him know that someone is bound to be looking for her.

My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious – Ooh, your lips are delicious
Well maybe just a half a drink more – Never such a blizzard before
He’s taking advantage of her fragile state and has tried to kiss her.

I’ve got to go home – Oh, baby, you’ll freeze out there
Say, lend me a coat – It’s up to your knees out there
She’s trying to explain that with a coat she’ll be fine. But this guy just won’t let her go. “It’s me or the storm, baby.”

You’ve really been grand – Your eyes are like starlight now
But don’t you see – How can you do this thing to me
Now he’s blaming her. “You make me crazy! Don’t you see? I need you now!” This guy is a monster…

There’s bound to be talk tomorrow – Think of my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied – If you caught pneumonia and died
Now he’s trying to make her feel guilty. “If something bad happened to you, I’d be devastated! Do you want that on my conscience?”

I really can’t stay – Get over that hold out
Ahh, but it’s cold outside
One last attempt to stop the crazy rapist.

Baby it’s cold outside Brr its cold… It’s cold out there -Cant you stay awhile longer baby?
Well… I really shouldn’t… alright – Make it worth your while baby.
This poor woman.

Ahh, do that again…
Now here at the end, we don’t know who’s talking. But we can safely assume it’s him, and he’s just raped her. Let’s hope he used a rubber.

As you can see, Loesser (Yes, that’s his name) has dropped some…subtle hints from deep,deep into his head. But wait! That’s not all. According to the world’s most infamous source of information (Wikipedia), this song was never meant to be a Christmas song. Gee, I wonder why. And even more disturbing is the fact that this song was originally performed by Loesser and his wife, who claimed that it was their song. She was furious when Loesser sold it, first appearing in Neptune’s Daughter, where a mouse and wolf perform the song. From the get go, Loesser intended the song to be sung by a mouse(female) and a wolf(male). Even in our dearest childhood memories, The Muppet Show, Miss Piggy takes the wolf role and sings it to Kermit.

Yes, that's a whip in her hands...

Next time you’re sitting around the fire with your family and decide to spread some holiday cheer, think twice before pulling out Baby It’s Cold Outside.

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The NingTengdo Gui

My mother approached me this afternoon, leaning on the doorway while I was on the computer. I looked up and she proceeded to tell me a funny story. This is translated from Spanish, except the words that aren’t Spanish, like gui. Those I keep the same.

Mother: Your cousin is getting a gui for Christmas.

Me: A what?

Mother: A gui.

Me: Gui? What’s that?

Mother: Ay, you know. A gui! With the controls that go pio pio and make you move around.

Me: A Wii?

Mother: Yeah, a gui.

Me: No, not a “gui”, a Wii.

Mother: A gui.

Me: Wii.

Mother: Gui!

Me: Wii!

Mother: Gui!

Me: Okay, repeat after me. Woo-ie

Mother: Goo-ie.

Me: No, Wah sound. Wah. Wii.

Mother: Wah….Wah….Gwua…Gui?

Me: Yes, perfect. Gui.

She almost had it at the end there. Somewhere in the middle, she says it all low and relaxed. Gui. My mama, she so funny. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a Gui, something like a game console built out of guava pastries. Mmm, guava.

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Would You Rather Wednesday #1

In an attempt to be lazy and write less, I’ve decided to have a weekly “Would You Rather” question.

This week’s question:

Would you rather find your significant other cheating on you with an elf or find out that they’ve been kidnapped by Santa Claus (In which case, I’m not sure you’d ever see them again)?

Share your answers below!

*Credit to mah brother for helping me draw!

OR

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