Ya, I know, that Christmas special is a classic. It teaches the true meaning of Christmas. But I’m sorry to say, the meaning of Christmas is not to get a withering, dying, tiny tree with 4 branches that can’t hold even the smallest ornament without toppling the whole thing over. It doesn’t look “cute” and there certainly is nothing redeeming about it. I mean, what the heck is Santa supposed to fit under there, a few candy canes? This brings me to my next point:
This is a little statistic I literally JUST created, but I think it is an extremely important aspect to a good tree. Allow me to explain: BRR is, basically, the amount of space left under the base of the tree, measured by the circumference of the bottom-most ring of branches of the tree (oooor something like that). Why is this important? Well, it’s very simple really. The more space there is under the tree, the more gifts Santa can fit, and the happier everyone will be on Christmas morning. It means more wrapped boxes, bigger train sets, and all that good stuff! So yeah, BRR is pretty important. Obviously, the bigger the tree, the higher the BRR will be, but sometimes you’ll just have to compromise depending on your height requirements.
This seems like a relatively obvious thing, but this has to be the one offense people commit the most. There is absolutely nothing worse than having a tree that looks like it got into a horrible accident with a buzz saw, and therefore looks as 3-dimensional as a piece of paper. Sure, there are plenty of ways to cover it up, like putting it in a corner and decorating the good side, but that’s just plain wrong. And, if you DID try to decorate it as a whole, it’d be an absolute nightmare. Just trying to wrap tinsel and lights around that thing will drive you insane, and it won’t look that good either. Most importantly, however, a non-symmetrical tree effectively cuts your BRR in half! Half the tree, half the gifts.
So there you have it; three of the most important things to getting a good tree, and, ultimately, more presents! Now, if you messed up this year and made one of these mistakes, don’t worry; I’ve heard that Santa’s a pretty forgiving guy. Just leave him some milk and cookies, and he’ll do his absolute best to work with all of your lacking BRR.
Today, we’ll be taking one of the holiday’s most beloved songs and really taking a closer look. Now, here’s a song people choose to sing often. You hear it on the radio throughout winter. Even school children are taught this song. Baby, It’s Cold Outside, the hit single by Frank Loesser (notice the last name here…) is filled with some lovable notes, and some really lovable notes. So here it is, for your inspection, The Rubbe’s interpretation of…
Baby, It’s Cold Outside
I really can’t stay – Baby it’s cold outside
I’ve got to go away – Baby it’s cold outside
Okay, here we start with two people. One is telling the other that he/she has to go home. The other is not listening, and repeating the obvious. For reasons, I am going to say the first is a girl and the second is a boy.
This evening has been – Been hoping that you’d drop in
So very nice – I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice
So in these lines she’s ready to go home, but he’s not having that.
My mother will start to worry – Beautiful, what’s your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor – Listen to the fireplace roar
She’s telling him that her mother and father are going to be looking for her. She’s letting him know that whatever happens tonight, he won’t get away with it.
So really I’d better scurry – Beautiful, please don’t hurry
Well Maybe just a half a drink more – Put some music on while I pour
Now here, she’s obviously developing pity. “Maybe he’ll leave me alone if I comply,” she thinks to herself.
The neighbors might think – Baby, it’s bad out there
Say, what’s in this drink – No cabs to be had out there
And suddenly we know what kind of night we’re heading for. He’s put something in her drink. It’s caused her to forget what she was going to say about her neighbors. This is horrible…
I wish I knew how – Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell – I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell
She’s been roofied. Or something worse. She’s starting to develop some kind of Stockholm syndrome. Poor woman. Off with her hat, and now he’s a little more comfortable.
I ought to say no, no, no, sir – Mind if I move a little closer
At least I’m gonna say that I tried – What’s the sense in hurting my pride
She knows she should fight, but the roofies aren’t letting her, and he’s slowly painting the scene.
I really can’t stay – Baby don’t hold out
Ahh, but it’s cold outside
Baby don’t hold out? Oh, fuck.
C’mon baby I simply must go – Baby, it’s cold outside
The answer is no – Ooh baby, it’s cold outside
She’s trying to fight back. Now he’s back to stating the obvious; telling her that it’d be ridiculous to leave since she’d freeze… He’s trying to say there’s no hope.
This welcome has been – I’m lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm — Look out the window at that storm
“Why would you want to leave my cozy house?” he says. “Look at that weather. It’s better to be here, where I can rape you.”
My sister will be suspicious – Gosh, your lips look so delicious
My brother will be there at the door – Waves upon a tropical shore
Again she tries to let him know that someone is bound to be looking for her.
My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious – Ooh, your lips are delicious
Well maybe just a half a drink more – Never such a blizzard before
He’s taking advantage of her fragile state and has tried to kiss her.
I’ve got to go home – Oh, baby, you’ll freeze out there
Say, lend me a coat – It’s up to your knees out there
She’s trying to explain that with a coat she’ll be fine. But this guy just won’t let her go. “It’s me or the storm, baby.”
You’ve really been grand – Your eyes are like starlight now
But don’t you see – How can you do this thing to me
Now he’s blaming her. “You make me crazy! Don’t you see? I need you now!” This guy is a monster…
There’s bound to be talk tomorrow – Think of my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied – If you caught pneumonia and died
Now he’s trying to make her feel guilty. “If something bad happened to you, I’d be devastated! Do you want that on my conscience?”
I really can’t stay – Get over that hold out
Ahh, but it’s cold outside
One last attempt to stop the crazy rapist.
Baby it’s cold outside Brr its cold… It’s cold out there -Cant you stay awhile longer baby?
Well… I really shouldn’t… alright – Make it worth your while baby.
This poor woman.
Ahh, do that again…
Now here at the end, we don’t know who’s talking. But we can safely assume it’s him, and he’s just raped her. Let’s hope he used a rubber.
As you can see, Loesser (Yes, that’s his name) has dropped some…subtle hints from deep,deep into his head. But wait! That’s not all. According to the world’s most infamous source of information (Wikipedia), this song was never meant to be a Christmas song. Gee, I wonder why. And even more disturbing is the fact that this song was originally performed by Loesser and his wife, who claimed that it was their song. She was furious when Loesser sold it, first appearing in Neptune’s Daughter, where a mouse and wolf perform the song. From the get go, Loesser intended the song to be sung by a mouse(female) and a wolf(male). Even in our dearest childhood memories, The Muppet Show, Miss Piggy takes the wolf role and sings it to Kermit.
Next time you’re sitting around the fire with your family and decide to spread some holiday cheer, think twice before pulling out Baby It’s Cold Outside.
My mother approached me this afternoon, leaning on the doorway while I was on the computer. I looked up and she proceeded to tell me a funny story. This is translated from Spanish, except the words that aren’t Spanish, like gui. Those I keep the same.
Mother: Your cousin is getting a gui for Christmas.
Me: A what?
Mother: A gui.
Me: Gui? What’s that?
Mother: Ay, you know. A gui! With the controls that go pio pio and make you move around.
Me: A Wii?
Mother: Yeah, a gui.
Me: No, not a “gui”, a Wii.
Mother: A gui.
Me: Okay, repeat after me. Woo-ie
Me: No, Wah sound. Wah. Wii.
Me: Yes, perfect. Gui.
She almost had it at the end there. Somewhere in the middle, she says it all low and relaxed. Gui. My mama, she so funny. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a Gui, something like a game console built out of guava pastries. Mmm, guava.
In an attempt to be lazy and write less, I’ve decided to have a weekly “Would You Rather” question.
This week’s question:
Would you rather find your significant other cheating on you with an elf or find out that they’ve been kidnapped by Santa Claus (In which case, I’m not sure you’d ever see them again)?
Share your answers below!
*Credit to mah brother for helping me draw!
The greatest gifts my mother ever gave me were my 10 fingers. Like seriously….they beat out the Playstation 2 I got for Christmas 2001.
My fingers have always been there to help me out. Always there when I needed assistance in math, kept me hanging on monkey bars, and gave me company during lonely nights…but we won’t get into that.
These ten bony, bendable fixtures have been the outlet for my creativity, athleticism, and skill, and have poked around countless Pringle cans, bodily crevices, and tapped in more Grand Theft Auto cheat codes than I care to remember.
I love those little bastards.
But what I truly covet most about my fingers is that they’ve always kept me fed like a 24 hours Denny’s.
Folks,I must admit….I adore biting my fingernails. My steady diet of wedgie-pickers and back-scratchers has been confused for anxiety and apprehension.
Alas my friends, have no worries. I simply have an insatiable appetite for my mother’s genetic home cooking.
You’ll know I’m enjoying my meal when I go back for seconds…then thirds…then fourths, fifths, sixths…you get the picture.
It’s like a never ending buffet of crunchy, salty snacks; and the best part about it…..I don’t have to share.
Yeah, I love digging for gold and peeling off stickers on fruits as much as the next guy, but goddamn, do they taste GOOD!……..At least it ain’t crack cocaine.
We all want world peace, an end to hunger, and happiness for everyone. But we also wouldn’t mind tanks, parrots, xbox, couple of games, some designer shoes, a new 40 inch flat screen tv, and/or a few cameras. Some people, however, have more diverse desires…Here are a few of the tweets from the hashtags #ChristmasList, #WishList, #OnMyWishList.
Anyone know where I can get a W*lmart gift card, a free iP*d, a McD*nalds voucher and a spamfilter #christmaslist No, but I know where you can get some vowels.
#christmaslist Bear holding a thimble or a lighthouse with a thermometer stuck on it Stuck where on the bear…
Life would be do much easier if I had a smoothie/frap machine at home. #christmaslist #notevenjoking lol Why? Does it make sandwiches for you? It probably bathes you while cooking up some eggs and bacon. I want one, too!
Dear Santa, all i want for Christmas is a MacBook Pro, a new jeep, and a puppy. #wishlist One order of spoiled princess, coming right up! The only acceptable thing here was the puppy.
#wishlist crest white strips Keepin’ it real.
boy criteria: no creepsters, no uglies, no clingers, no douchers. Is that too much to ask?
#christmaslist Someone’s picky this Christmas season….
yo SANTA dont forget to get everything on my
#ChristmasList….if so imma hunt you down and kill that Red-Nosed Reindeer…. That’s how you get on the naughty list.
I’d rather have people than things. That’s okay, right?
#wishlist No. Creeper. Possible homicidal maniac. Most likely wants people… in jars. #OnMyWishList to have a boyfriend LOLOLOL JK ew never. i want a ten year supply of nutella and macaroni and cheese Crazy cat lady starter kit too? #OnMyWishList LIGHTSABER ☺Oh, yeah!
#OnMyWishList: Instant Coffee,Toilet paper,Whiteboard markers,Cellar tape,Ginger,Lemon&Honey (flu)Banner fabric,Bin bags,Art materials;Thank you! .___. He’s going to capture Santa, infect him with the flu, and force feed him coffee and toilet paper while he watches him draw cats with ugly Christmas sweaters. #OnMyWishList You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. and You. I’m sure he means the picky girl above. #OnMyWishList A pill that cures douchebags Right on, sister.
any ideas where i can get a wallet for a 4 year old? i think he’s over carrying his coins & dollars in a ziploc bag.
#christmaslist The beginning of capitalism.
Dear Santa, you don’t have to give me anything, just take away my fat.
#wishlist I’m sure that would look great on Santa’s mantle. Or wrapped around his Schnauzer.
My mind goes blank when I’m writing out my Christmas #wishlist. A blonde pulls out a piece of paper…
#onmywishlist i want 1 billion. 😀 Cats? Rugs? Old men? Unborn Fetuses? WHAT DO YOU WANT 1 BILLION OF?
Something sparkly is
#onmywishlist Shooting for the sky, huh?
Annnd the Can’t Spell Editions!
What’s not on your wishlist? Tweet us @therubbe #Notonmylist
Dear Glitter Dust Cloud,
Oh, glitter dust cloud that hangs in front of my register as people pile thousands upon thousands of ornaments and knickknacks along the table, how I loathe you.
I’m not sure how many of you little multicolored specks I have inhaled and choked upon. I don’t know how many times I’ve gone into a coughing fit, eyes watering, face red, as my customers just continue along, filling my space with more and more dots of doom.
Whoever said the sign of a good Christmas meant for you to fill your home to the brim with little particles of shine has probably never stood in front of countless people rushing with glitter infused things.
It also doesn’t help that all the registers are by the doors, so when one opens, a tumultuous hurricane rises up and attacks my face with a force that leaves me washing large amounts of glitter from my hair for four days straight.
“Is there glitter on my face?” has become the regular custom for the cashiers to say after a particularly large crowd of people.
“You have glitter on you, ahahaha, you look like a Christmas ornament yourself!” Is the OH SO FUNNY joke that our customers constantly say, as if no one in the world could have possibly thought of that joke from looking at me. As if I’m supposed to laugh uproariously at the mere idea that I look a fairy puff princess.
But I digress. It’s not my customers I abhor. It’s you. You, glittery cloud. You fine mess of teeny-tiny little circles of pure childish gleam.
I despise you…
With much hate and passive aggression,
An Open Letter to the Lady That Came into my Department Store…
Dear lady that came into my department store the other day to bitch about prices,
Your purchase was a seasonal item. A Christmas ornament that was 50% off. It was on sale. Already had a discount. 50%…. off of a 3 dollar item. A three dollar item. Three.
You cannot possibly tell me you had the right to bitch because your coupon was only for regular priced items. A coupon that I might add was another 50% off.
Do you just expect to have things for free?
Did you come here thinking that you were just going to waltz in and we’d say “Here! Oh look! The Coupon Queen! Have all of our Christmas items at whatever price you want!”
This world does not revolve around you.
THEN you had the gall to complain because we wouldn’t let you use multiple coupons on your purchase.
50% off the entire purchase… and then another 40% off entire purchase. Do you just take us for idiots?
I cannot fathom what goes through your mind when you come into our store. My brain just cannot wrap itself around your method of thinking.
As if the fact that you say, “I got this from the email you sent me” is going to have any effect on the fact that our policy says only one coupon per transaction.
“But that’s ridiculous!” You say.
“YOU’RE A RIDICULOUS HUMAN” is what I wish to say. “YOU NEED TO GO HOME AND MAKE SHIT YOURSELF IF ALL YOU’RE GOING TO DO IS COMPLAIN” is something else I wish to say. “IF YOU COULD READ MY MIND, YOU’D PROBABLY HAVE A HEART ATTACK BECAUSE I SWEAR I COULD JUST BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, AND I HOPE THAT CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT FINDS ITS WAY STRAIGHT UP YOUR –”
Have a nice day, ma’am. And Merry Christmas.