Tag Archives: dark

Blackjack

I have officially been 21 years old for two weeks now( why did I decided to write this post after two weeks? Well, it was going to be after one but I got lazy…). So what has happened, now that I’ve reached the age of adulthood?

1. I got into a fight with my roommates, while sober. But I like to think of it as practice for when I’m not sober.

2. I’ve still officially never been drunk for a little over 21 years. I did have a couple of frou-frou drinks( e.g. Smirnoff Green Apple things and Mike’s Hard Lemonade) though.

3. I can own a gun,presumably for when I have fights with my roommates and I’m drunk. Or sober.

4. My humor has become much more macabre. See above.

5. Every ache and pain in my body feels like it needs immediate attention. It’s just practice for this new half of my life where you need to be wary of what happens to your body as you go south.

6. I called the bank and got my overdraft fees removed. Yeah, ’cause I’m just that adult-like!

7. I have decided that I’m definitely not an adult for the following reasons: toilet humor rends me handicapped, people tripping brings me joy, I make ill comments about anyone, I play more video games than I should, and I procrastinate like there’s no tomorrow(which is hard). There’s more, but I’m going to try to keep some of my “dignity.”

8. A couple of days ago, I spelled the word lightning “lightening.” I died a little inside. In my defense, it was on an on-screen keyboard. Come on, those things suck…

9. I know I had one for nine, but…

10. On the same subject, my memory is just not what it used to be. I now fully rely on post-its. EVERYWHERE.

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Would You Rather Wednesday #1

In an attempt to be lazy and write less, I’ve decided to have a weekly “Would You Rather” question.

This week’s question:

Would you rather find your significant other cheating on you with an elf or find out that they’ve been kidnapped by Santa Claus (In which case, I’m not sure you’d ever see them again)?

Share your answers below!

*Credit to mah brother for helping me draw!

OR

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Eulogy for a Best Friend

I’m not really sure what to say. I’ve never had to write one of these before. I really miss you… It’s been a month already, but I still can’t stop thinking about you.

You were always there when I needed you, as long as I could find you. You never said
anything bad, you never complained, just did the only thing you knew how to do.

Looking back on it, I’ve realized you actually lived a long, healthy life. It’s a shame it
ended so abruptly, and I have no one but myself to blame.

In a fit of rage, thanks to a devastating New York Giants loss to the Eagles, I grabbed
a hold of you, and threw you straight across the room. Just like that, you, my favorite little
backscratcher, were gone forever.

I was left, scared and alone, having to pick up your shattered wooden remains from all
over the bedroom floor. I couldn’t afford to give you a proper burial, so I had to reluctantly
throw all of you in the garbage. To this day I haven’t replaced you.

How could I? You, the most reliable itch reliever in all the known world, personally
handed down to me from my father, a sacred Otero heirloom? It’s simply unthinkable.

I’ll admit, just the other day I was looking through some at the local dollar store. None
of them can compare to you. They’re all either shaped like some crazy animal with claws that
scratch you, or they’re too blunt to relieve even the smallest itch. You were the perfect tool; no
complicated design, all form and function.

That’s what I’ll miss the most about you: your simplicity, your elegance, and your
eagerness to perform your carpenter given duty. I grew up knowing that, whenever I called on
you, you would scratch my back and I wouldn’t have to scratch yours. And now you’re nothing
but a memory.

So, I want to take this opportunity to say my last goodbye, and let you know that I
honestly did not mean for what happened to happen. But deep down, I know you knew that to be
true.

I know you’re out there, hopefully being recycled so you can live another fulfilling
wooden life, and I just want you to know that there will NEVER be another like you, but I think
you and I both know that.

-With great remorse and sincerity, Your greatest friend,

Gabe

If only he knew....

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The Facebook Timeline: Fun for all Types!

Hey stalkers!

Have I got some news for you! So Facebook came out with this new timeline thing where you can see all of your future spouse’s statuses since the beginning of time! Remember that one status that one year where she vaguely mentioned how she passed by a strange, lanky man in a trench coat at a movie theater?

That was you!

But that's ok.

With this time saving feature, drab clicking for “older posts” is a thing of the past. You can read and reread all their lovable statuses time and time again.

But wait! It’s not only for you, Facebook stalker! How about you there, crazed ex-girlfriend? Are you, too, ready to relive the past? It’s almost like Nick never dumped you after you threatened to skin him for a pillow case. Immerse yourself in a reality that will never return!

Just don’t expect him to be there in the morning.

What about you, jealous classmate? So what if no one knew your name and the prom queen “accidentally” spilled fruit punch on your white dress? You’re obviously the better off one, with your career and whatnot. Now you can go through her personal history and read all the fun, peaked-in-high-school, whiny statuses about her four children that make you reel in laughter!

You maniacal genius you!

Not to mention you can even watch her face deteriorate over the years! Simply start from the beginning and slowly, so slowly, work your way up to the present. Damn, she’s got a wrinkle for every greenhouse gas in the atmosphere now.

Neat-o!

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