Tag Archives: life

Blackjack

I have officially been 21 years old for two weeks now( why did I decided to write this post after two weeks? Well, it was going to be after one but I got lazy…). So what has happened, now that I’ve reached the age of adulthood?

1. I got into a fight with my roommates, while sober. But I like to think of it as practice for when I’m not sober.

2. I’ve still officially never been drunk for a little over 21 years. I did have a couple of frou-frou drinks( e.g. Smirnoff Green Apple things and Mike’s Hard Lemonade) though.

3. I can own a gun,presumably for when I have fights with my roommates and I’m drunk. Or sober.

4. My humor has become much more macabre. See above.

5. Every ache and pain in my body feels like it needs immediate attention. It’s just practice for this new half of my life where you need to be wary of what happens to your body as you go south.

6. I called the bank and got my overdraft fees removed. Yeah, ’cause I’m just that adult-like!

7. I have decided that I’m definitely not an adult for the following reasons: toilet humor rends me handicapped, people tripping brings me joy, I make ill comments about anyone, I play more video games than I should, and I procrastinate like there’s no tomorrow(which is hard). There’s more, but I’m going to try to keep some of my “dignity.”

8. A couple of days ago, I spelled the word lightning “lightening.” I died a little inside. In my defense, it was on an on-screen keyboard. Come on, those things suck…

9. I know I had one for nine, but…

10. On the same subject, my memory is just not what it used to be. I now fully rely on post-its. EVERYWHERE.

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The Nod

During the holiday season, traffic tends to be unbearable. We spend hours in bumper to bumper traffic where I suspect, if cars were people, they would be very upset. Now, when I say traffic, I don’t mean just cars. If you live in any of the vacation cities (Miami, New York City, etc) then you get this. We got bikes, we got children, we got pieces of rubber running throughout the roads. It is usually this time of the year where pedestrians get on our nerves. Many of us wish to buy into the impulse and just run them over. Some of us do.

But wait! There’s hope for those pesky pedestrians yet.

Now, I’m sure you know the nod. Yes, the nod. If you’re not an asshole, you’ve too have done the nod. Say, you’re crossing in front of a car that’s about to park. This driver now has to wait for your jolly ass to shimmy across his future parking space, oh, from 30 seconds up to 4 minutes (You know who you are…). However, in your ultimate gift to humanity, as you finally finish taking up the driver’s time, you give them a nod.

It is now that the chaotic universe has been restored to its former glory.

The Two Steps of the Nod

There are those amazing individuals who give the nod right at the start of the process, whereby all annoyance is forgiven. Then there are those unfortunate people who wait until the very last moment to give the nod, thereby filling within the driver a growing hatred for all mankind. I believe these kinds of nodders live on an adrenaline rush. But no worries! As long as the nod is given, your karma will remain in tact.

This morning, one of our very own writers, Heather, became the target of hate and frustration everywhere. Let’s hear her story:

When I was making my way to my job, I had to cross three lanes to get to my lane to turn into the parking lot and I crossed two lanes without problem but then in the third lane, someone snuck up behind me and I almost hit them. So I was like “Oh shit…,” and went to my regular lane, let him pass, and then continued on

I will EAT YOUR YOUNG.

Achievement Unlocked! Avoided hate face.

my way. Well, I hit a red light and we both were side by side so I was like “Oh god, he’s gonna give me the ‘I hate you look'”, so i quickly looked at him and mouthed “sorry!” and held up my hand in that little wave that people make, haha. So he nodded back at me and we both went our merry way.

Thank you, Heather. What a stand up citizen! You avoided a crash and stopped a man from beating his frustration out on his wife.

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DON’T PANIC

I live at school. During Christmas break, I come home and bring most of my junk with me, especially the things that need to be washed (an early Christmas present for my darling mother). However, I do, from time to time, take trips back to my dorm, as I did this exceptionally fateful day.

Okay, maybe fateful is a tad over dramatic.

Well, I was having myself a nice chat with the boyfriend over the interspace and he tells me he’d be right over. Cue this face:

Mushroom cloud of trepidation.

Why? Because I stink. Not a problem! You say. Just take a shower. That’s what I thought too. I grabbed some articles of clothing and went my merry way when I stopped cold. I forgot to bring a towel. My roommate was sleeping. I could have stolen her towel, but that’s just so wrong. What else could I do? Air dry? No, that would take too long. So then, what’s just as good as towels?

Paper towels.

Naked, I dashed into the living room, grabbed the towels and ran back into the bathroom. All right, let’s do this! La, la, la, la, la! In the shower! All’s good. I step out, rip off a piece of paper towel, and start dabbin’ myself. One paper towel soaked. Two paper towels soaked. Three. Four. Five! Oh gawd, too many paper towels. I’m way too eco-friendly for this. As I stood there, naked and cold, I had a great idea!

I’ll use the door! So I opened the door, made sure everyone was still sleeping, and then started swinging it back and forth between my hands. Sure, the burst of air was freezing, but tell you what. It got the job done. In a strange way. And, so as to please your hypothetical side, I have included a diagram of what that may have looked like, should you have been the unlucky bastard looking down the hall.

Notice the shower cap. Hot, huh?

Was I dry? Indeed. Was it weird? Quite. Mission accomplished? Verily! I slipped on some undergarments and for the next 15 minutes, chilled in mah undies. Turned on the tube, flipped through the channels a bit, enjoyed my new-found faux-naturel state…

And then the air came on.

Always know where your towel is.

-Douglas Adams

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Passive Aggressive Notes to Roommates #1

My roommates tend to slip up when it comes to cleaning. One in particular always leaves a mess of toothpaste all over the sink. Looks like a minty rainfall. The mirrors over the sink rarely escape the toothpaste splatter as well. Needless to say, I wasn’t diggin’ it, but I didn’t want to confront them and seem like the bad guy. Hence, the birth of this post-it:

Our mirrors double as vanities...

I put it up right before bed; that way, they’d see it first thing in the morning, right? Well, when I woke up, the note was gone. I looked around a bit and found it in the trash bin, crumpled half-assedly. I rewrote it and stuck that mofo right back up.

The sinks look a little better.

As for the dishes…That’s another story. I’m the main dishwasher. I’ll wash whatever’s in the sink. Only one of my three roommates washes her own plates and nothing else. The other two simply forget while walking past the radioactive monster lurking in our kitchen sink or just don’t like washing dishes.

So I wrote a note to put over the sink.

It got a lot of laughs, maybe a couple of washed dishes, but alas! The task will always be mine…

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The Importance of Dashes

When people are speaking, they are tempted to throw together all kinds of words. “That’s a cool ass game you’ve got there!” or “Let’s write so hard people everywhere will be amazed” are just examples of a few such concoctions. But what happens when you add a dash in certain places? Let’s watch our favorite word combinations take a turn for the worst…

"That's a cool ass-game you've got there!"

“Let’s write so hard-people everywhere will be amazed!”

"I did some bomb-wrapping on your present!"

"Hey, who said you can just throw those fucking-grenades around?"

"That was a smashing-party!"

"I hate this stupid-shit!"

“I love watching people-eating bacon.”
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An Open Letter to the Girl Wearing Short Shorts in the Winter

I saw you. Sitting alone at the bus stop, tapping your foot along to whatever inane music was blasting through your earphones. Or tapping your foot in an attempt to disguise your shivering.  Yeah, I knew. Everyone knows. You’re not fooling anyone in your black NYU hoodie and itty-bitty jean shorts. When you woke up this morning, what possessed you to put those on? Did you think, for a second, that maybe you woke up in Hawaii? All right, fine. I’ll give it you. Maybe you were pressed for time. But jeans? Really?

Jeans get cold. Quick.

I’m not going to pretend I can’t see the goose bumps on your legs from all the way over here. I mean, every small gust of wind is like a punch to my face, and I love the winter! Wonder what it’s doing to you. But, honestly, why?

Did you think it was fashionable to walk around on icicles? Is the top half of your body that only half that counts? Someone wrote in your 8th grade science textbook that gangrene only extends to your upper limbs and that was the only thing you ever retained from your childhood after the hard drugs and liquor took over your brain?

Yeah, I’m going to assume you must be smokin’ some good stuff to be walking around in 50 degree weather with a pair of jean shorts, flip-flops, and a hoodie. A part of me, albeit a small part, just wanted to run up to you and shove you into my pocket as an act of kindness.

Maybe this one can be saved.

No, there will be more. One winter, they’ll adorn every Christmas clothing ad and end up a huge fad. People everywhere will freeze to death in an attempt to emulate you, short shorts girl, you and your indelible fashion sense.

Just tell me why. Why do you do this? Is it a trial into adulthood? A mating ritual? New way to skip exercise and shake all the fat away? And how, how do you do it? How do you manage to sit on those cold, bare metal benches with half of your ass exposed and your poor thighs truckin’ through it?

I want to know what you know.

You’re one crazy sonnababetch, but you know what, short shorts girl? Props. Major props for keeping a straight face all day long.

Mad jelly,

Lissy

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