Tag Archives: Santa

Picking the Perfect Tree

Merry Christmas fellow Rubbeites (I don’t know what to call ya yet… I’m working on it…) By now, you all have already probably torn all your gift wrappings to shreds and created a mini-Armageddon under your Christmas tree, and so in all honesty it’s WAAAAY too late to put all the things I’m about to tell you to good use, but there’s always next year.
After years of observing other people select and erect their great symbols of Christmas cheer, otherwise known as the coveted Christmas tree, I’ve noticed a little bit of a problem. Some people pick out the worst Christmas trees. I see them on the hoods of cars riding down the street, and I wonder how they EVER are going to decorate it. So, in the spirit of giving, I’ve decided to offer some tips on making your next tree-decision the best in your life.

  1. Avoid the “Charlie Brown” Tree


Ya, I know, that Christmas special is a classic. It teaches the true meaning of Christmas. But I’m sorry to say, the meaning of Christmas is not to get a withering, dying, tiny tree with 4 branches that can’t hold even the smallest ornament without toppling the whole thing over. It doesn’t look “cute” and there certainly is nothing redeeming about it. I mean, what the heck is Santa supposed to fit under there, a few candy canes? This brings me to my next point:

  1. Bottom Ring Radius (or BRR)

When your BRR is too low, you'll have to cut into your beautiful tree to make space for presents. Even drawing this hurt me a little.


This is a little statistic I literally JUST created, but I think it is an extremely important aspect to a good tree. Allow me to explain: BRR is, basically, the amount of space left under the base of the tree, measured by the circumference of the bottom-most ring of branches of the tree (oooor something like that). Why is this important? Well, it’s very simple really. The more space there is under the tree, the more gifts Santa can fit, and the happier everyone will be on Christmas morning. It means more wrapped boxes, bigger train sets, and all that good stuff! So yeah, BRR is pretty important. Obviously, the bigger the tree, the higher the BRR will be, but sometimes you’ll just have to compromise depending on your height requirements.

  1. Symmetry


This seems like a relatively obvious thing, but this has to be the one offense people commit the most. There is absolutely nothing worse than having a tree that looks like it got into a horrible accident with a buzz saw, and therefore looks as 3-dimensional as a piece of paper. Sure, there are plenty of ways to cover it up, like putting it in a corner and decorating the good side, but that’s just plain wrong. And, if you DID try to decorate it as a whole, it’d be an absolute nightmare. Just trying to wrap tinsel and lights around that thing will drive you insane, and it won’t look that good either. Most importantly, however, a non-symmetrical tree effectively cuts your BRR in half! Half the tree, half the gifts.

So there you have it; three of the most important things to getting a good tree, and, ultimately, more presents! Now, if you messed up this year and made one of these mistakes, don’t worry; I’ve heard that Santa’s a pretty forgiving guy. Just leave him some milk and cookies, and he’ll do his absolute best to work with all of your lacking BRR.

Gabriel Otero

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Twitter Chitter: Christmas Wish Lists

We all want world peace, an end to hunger, and happiness for everyone. But we also wouldn’t mind tanks, parrots, xbox, couple of games, some designer shoes, a new 40 inch flat screen tv, and/or a few cameras. Some people, however, have more diverse desires…Here are a few of the tweets from the hashtags #ChristmasList, #WishList, #OnMyWishList.

Anyone know where I can get a W*lmart gift card, a free iP*d, a McD*nalds voucher and a spamfilter #christmaslist No, but I know where you can get some vowels.

#christmaslist Bear holding a thimble or a lighthouse with a thermometer stuck on it Stuck where on the bear…

I’m always bored/tired or hungry! Not good. #INeedALife#ChristmasList First world problems.

Life would be do much easier if I had a smoothie/frap machine at home. #christmaslist #notevenjoking lol Why? Does it make sandwiches for you? It probably bathes you while cooking up some eggs and bacon. I want one, too!

Dear Santa, all i want for Christmas is a MacBook Pro, a new jeep, and a puppy. #wishlist One order of spoiled princess, coming right up! The only acceptable thing here was the puppy.

#wishlist crest white strips Keepin’ it real. 

boy criteria: no creepsters, no uglies, no clingers, no douchers. Is that too much to ask? #christmaslist Someone’s picky this Christmas season….

yo SANTA dont forget to get everything on my#ChristmasList….if so imma hunt you down and kill that Red-Nosed Reindeer…. That’s how you get on the naughty list.

I’d rather have people than things. That’s okay, right? #wishlist No. Creeper. Possible homicidal maniac. Most likely wants people… in jars.

#OnMyWishList  to have a boyfriend LOLOLOL JK ew never. i want a ten year supply of nutella and macaroni and cheese Crazy cat lady starter kit too?

#OnMyWishList LIGHTSABER ☺Oh, yeah!

#OnMyWishList: Instant Coffee,Toilet paper,Whiteboard markers,Cellar tape,Ginger,Lemon&Honey (flu)Banner fabric,Bin bags,Art materials;Thank you! .___. He’s going to capture Santa, infect him with the flu, and force feed him coffee and toilet paper while he watches him draw cats with ugly Christmas sweaters.

#OnMyWishList You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. and You. I’m sure he means the picky girl above. 

#OnMyWishList A pill that cures douchebags Right on, sister.

Put the @atmosphere on your christmas #wishlist. Who gets the polluted sections?

any ideas where i can get a wallet for a 4 year old? i think he’s over carrying his coins & dollars in a ziploc bag.  #christmaslist The beginning of capitalism.

Dear Santa, you don’t have to give me anything, just take away my fat. #wishlist I’m sure that would look great on Santa’s mantle. Or wrapped around his Schnauzer. 

My mind goes blank when I’m writing out my Christmas #wishlist. A blonde pulls out a piece of paper…

#onmywishlist i want 1 billion. 😀 Cats? Rugs? Old men? Unborn Fetuses? WHAT DO YOU WANT 1 BILLION OF?

Something sparkly is #onmywishlist Shooting for the sky, huh? 

#OnMyWishList I asked for nothing! I got air to breath, food to eat, clothes on my back, friends & family! Those are the things that matter! Watch out! We got a badass over here.

Annnd the Can’t Spell Editions!

#onemywishlist i wont realnest because you caint find that stuff no where

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s not on your wishlist? Tweet us @therubbe #Notonmylist

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