Tag Archives: thoughts

Would You Rather Wednesday #2

Happy New Year everyone! Now it’s time to bring the awkward back.

This week’s question:

Would you rather be raped by an army of gummy bears

or

listen to Rihanna’s single “Umbrella” for 8 consecutive hours?

The choice is yours...

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The Nod

During the holiday season, traffic tends to be unbearable. We spend hours in bumper to bumper traffic where I suspect, if cars were people, they would be very upset. Now, when I say traffic, I don’t mean just cars. If you live in any of the vacation cities (Miami, New York City, etc) then you get this. We got bikes, we got children, we got pieces of rubber running throughout the roads. It is usually this time of the year where pedestrians get on our nerves. Many of us wish to buy into the impulse and just run them over. Some of us do.

But wait! There’s hope for those pesky pedestrians yet.

Now, I’m sure you know the nod. Yes, the nod. If you’re not an asshole, you’ve too have done the nod. Say, you’re crossing in front of a car that’s about to park. This driver now has to wait for your jolly ass to shimmy across his future parking space, oh, from 30 seconds up to 4 minutes (You know who you are…). However, in your ultimate gift to humanity, as you finally finish taking up the driver’s time, you give them a nod.

It is now that the chaotic universe has been restored to its former glory.

The Two Steps of the Nod

There are those amazing individuals who give the nod right at the start of the process, whereby all annoyance is forgiven. Then there are those unfortunate people who wait until the very last moment to give the nod, thereby filling within the driver a growing hatred for all mankind. I believe these kinds of nodders live on an adrenaline rush. But no worries! As long as the nod is given, your karma will remain in tact.

This morning, one of our very own writers, Heather, became the target of hate and frustration everywhere. Let’s hear her story:

When I was making my way to my job, I had to cross three lanes to get to my lane to turn into the parking lot and I crossed two lanes without problem but then in the third lane, someone snuck up behind me and I almost hit them. So I was like “Oh shit…,” and went to my regular lane, let him pass, and then continued on

I will EAT YOUR YOUNG.

Achievement Unlocked! Avoided hate face.

my way. Well, I hit a red light and we both were side by side so I was like “Oh god, he’s gonna give me the ‘I hate you look'”, so i quickly looked at him and mouthed “sorry!” and held up my hand in that little wave that people make, haha. So he nodded back at me and we both went our merry way.

Thank you, Heather. What a stand up citizen! You avoided a crash and stopped a man from beating his frustration out on his wife.

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Forever Infatuated With My Phalanges

The greatest gifts my mother ever gave me were my 10 fingers. Like seriously….they beat out the Playstation 2 I got for Christmas 2001.
My fingers have always been there to help me out. Always there when I needed assistance in math, kept me hanging on monkey bars, and gave me company during lonely nights…but we won’t get into that.
These ten bony, bendable fixtures have been the outlet for my creativity, athleticism,  and skill, and have poked around countless Pringle cans, bodily crevices, and tapped in more Grand Theft Auto cheat codes than I care to remember.

I love those little bastards.

But what I truly covet most about my fingers is that they’ve always kept me fed like a 24 hours Denny’s.

Folks,I must admit….I adore biting my fingernails. My steady diet of wedgie-pickers and back-scratchers has been confused for anxiety and apprehension.

Alas my friends, have no worries. I simply have an insatiable appetite for my mother’s genetic home cooking.
You’ll know I’m enjoying my meal when I go back for seconds…then thirds…then fourths, fifths, sixths…you get the picture.

It’s like a never ending buffet of crunchy, salty snacks; and the best part about it…..I don’t have to share.

Yeah, I love digging for gold and peeling off stickers on fruits as much as the next guy, but goddamn, do they taste GOOD!……..At least it ain’t crack cocaine.

Right?

  Marvin Pineda

Spongebob biting lip

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