Tag Archives: weird

Would You Rather # 6

This week brought to you by the weekend premier of The Woman in Black.

Would you rather…Be perpetually stuck in a horror movie where each scene feels brand new every time

or have a ghost serenade you with Justin Bieber’s hit song 24 hours a day, 7 days a week until you die?

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Haiku by Heather

Demon Flying Roach
What the fuck? Shit Shit Shit Shit
Holy Fuck, no bug spray

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Would You Rather #5

Today’s Would You Rather places you in the political hot seat. Choose wisely…

 

Would you rather take a bubble bath with George Bush while discussing the intricacies of the War in Iraq

or

Would you rather have your legs run over by a tank?

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Spanglish Things My Mother Says

My mother cannot speak English, but she likes to pretend she can. Every now and then, I catch her attempting to pronounce a word, and most of the time, I can’t even decipher them. Here’s a short list of English words my mother made up. I’ve even taken the liberty of providing examples where these words might be used.

Cross sign = Croissant
ex. Do joo guant a cross sign today?

Seebway = Subway
ex. Seebway no es muy caro.

Nafe = Name
ex. Guat is jour nafe?

Guiriri/Guiree Guiree = Weedeater
ex. Guere is dee guiriri? Necesito cortar la llerba.

Gracie = Crazy
ex. Joo Gracie. Joo bradah Gracie. Joo all Gracie.

French = Friends
ex. Y tu French?

Heather here! This is where I ruin Lissy’s post and add something about my parents. This is only really relevant if you know Denny’s and Wendy’s, I guess.
Mom: We go to Denny’s.
Me: Oh, can I come?
Dad: Okay, pero joo can only habe guan ::holds up 1 finger:: thing because I no habe much ::makes funny gesture that’s supposed to mean money but looks more like his fingers are humping::
Confused me: Okay…
*notices we’re heading to Wendy’s*
Confused me: I thought we were going to Denny’s..
Dad: Yes. ::points in direction of Wendy’s:: Denny’s.
Confused me: Huuuh…..

When Heather is on her way to Wendy's, I suspect she dresses like this.

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Would You Rather Wednesday #3

This week’s exciting Would You Rather takes place in a far away island, where no one could contact you (sounds like a dream…).

Would you rather…

Try to swim back to civilization chased by a dolphin that can’t stop talking about ‘life in the sea’

or

stay on land trying to find food, followed by a parrot that doesn’t stop insulting you?

I've always hated birds. Useless feathered, flying rocks...

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Would You Rather Wednesday #2

Happy New Year everyone! Now it’s time to bring the awkward back.

This week’s question:

Would you rather be raped by an army of gummy bears

or

listen to Rihanna’s single “Umbrella” for 8 consecutive hours?

The choice is yours...

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Picking the Perfect Tree

Merry Christmas fellow Rubbeites (I don’t know what to call ya yet… I’m working on it…) By now, you all have already probably torn all your gift wrappings to shreds and created a mini-Armageddon under your Christmas tree, and so in all honesty it’s WAAAAY too late to put all the things I’m about to tell you to good use, but there’s always next year.
After years of observing other people select and erect their great symbols of Christmas cheer, otherwise known as the coveted Christmas tree, I’ve noticed a little bit of a problem. Some people pick out the worst Christmas trees. I see them on the hoods of cars riding down the street, and I wonder how they EVER are going to decorate it. So, in the spirit of giving, I’ve decided to offer some tips on making your next tree-decision the best in your life.

  1. Avoid the “Charlie Brown” Tree


Ya, I know, that Christmas special is a classic. It teaches the true meaning of Christmas. But I’m sorry to say, the meaning of Christmas is not to get a withering, dying, tiny tree with 4 branches that can’t hold even the smallest ornament without toppling the whole thing over. It doesn’t look “cute” and there certainly is nothing redeeming about it. I mean, what the heck is Santa supposed to fit under there, a few candy canes? This brings me to my next point:

  1. Bottom Ring Radius (or BRR)

When your BRR is too low, you'll have to cut into your beautiful tree to make space for presents. Even drawing this hurt me a little.


This is a little statistic I literally JUST created, but I think it is an extremely important aspect to a good tree. Allow me to explain: BRR is, basically, the amount of space left under the base of the tree, measured by the circumference of the bottom-most ring of branches of the tree (oooor something like that). Why is this important? Well, it’s very simple really. The more space there is under the tree, the more gifts Santa can fit, and the happier everyone will be on Christmas morning. It means more wrapped boxes, bigger train sets, and all that good stuff! So yeah, BRR is pretty important. Obviously, the bigger the tree, the higher the BRR will be, but sometimes you’ll just have to compromise depending on your height requirements.

  1. Symmetry


This seems like a relatively obvious thing, but this has to be the one offense people commit the most. There is absolutely nothing worse than having a tree that looks like it got into a horrible accident with a buzz saw, and therefore looks as 3-dimensional as a piece of paper. Sure, there are plenty of ways to cover it up, like putting it in a corner and decorating the good side, but that’s just plain wrong. And, if you DID try to decorate it as a whole, it’d be an absolute nightmare. Just trying to wrap tinsel and lights around that thing will drive you insane, and it won’t look that good either. Most importantly, however, a non-symmetrical tree effectively cuts your BRR in half! Half the tree, half the gifts.

So there you have it; three of the most important things to getting a good tree, and, ultimately, more presents! Now, if you messed up this year and made one of these mistakes, don’t worry; I’ve heard that Santa’s a pretty forgiving guy. Just leave him some milk and cookies, and he’ll do his absolute best to work with all of your lacking BRR.

Gabriel Otero

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Baby, It’s Rapey Inside

Today, we’ll be taking one of the holiday’s most beloved songs and really taking a closer look. Now, here’s a song people choose to sing often. You hear it on the radio throughout winter. Even school children are taught this song. Baby, It’s Cold Outside, the hit single by Frank Loesser (notice the last name here…) is filled with some lovable notes, and some really lovable notes. So here it is, for your inspection, The Rubbe’s interpretation of…

Baby, It’s Cold Outside

I really can’t stay – Baby it’s cold outside
I’ve got to go away – Baby it’s cold outside
Okay, here we start with two people. One is telling the other that he/she has to go home. The other is not listening, and repeating the obvious. For reasons, I am going to say the first is a girl and the second is a boy.

This evening has been – Been hoping that you’d drop in
So very nice – I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice
So in these lines she’s ready to go home, but he’s not having that.

My mother will start to worry – Beautiful, what’s your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor – Listen to the fireplace roar
She’s telling him that her mother and father are going to be looking for her. She’s letting him know that whatever happens tonight, he won’t get away with it.

So really I’d better scurry – Beautiful, please don’t hurry
Well Maybe just a half a drink more – Put some music on while I pour
Now here, she’s obviously developing pity. “Maybe he’ll leave me alone if I comply,” she thinks to herself.

The neighbors might think – Baby, it’s bad out there
Say, what’s in this drink – No cabs to be had out there
And suddenly we know what kind of night we’re heading for. He’s put something in her drink. It’s caused her to forget what she was going to say about her neighbors. This is horrible…

I wish I knew how – Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell – I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell
She’s been roofied. Or something worse. She’s starting to develop some kind of Stockholm syndrome. Poor woman. Off with her hat, and now he’s a little more comfortable. 

I ought to say no, no, no, sir – Mind if I move a little closer
At least I’m gonna say that I tried – What’s the sense in hurting my pride
She knows she should fight, but the roofies aren’t letting her, and he’s slowly painting the scene.

I really can’t stay – Baby don’t hold out
Ahh, but it’s cold outside
Baby don’t hold out? Oh, fuck.

C’mon baby I simply must go – Baby, it’s cold outside
The answer is no – Ooh baby, it’s cold outside
She’s trying to fight back. Now he’s back to stating the obvious; telling her that it’d be ridiculous to leave since she’d freeze… He’s trying to say there’s no hope.

This welcome has been – I’m lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm — Look out the window at that storm
“Why would you want to leave my cozy house?” he says. “Look at that weather. It’s better to be here, where I can rape you.”

My sister will be suspicious – Gosh, your lips look so delicious
My brother will be there at the door – Waves upon a tropical shore
Again she tries to let him know that someone is bound to be looking for her.

My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious – Ooh, your lips are delicious
Well maybe just a half a drink more – Never such a blizzard before
He’s taking advantage of her fragile state and has tried to kiss her.

I’ve got to go home – Oh, baby, you’ll freeze out there
Say, lend me a coat – It’s up to your knees out there
She’s trying to explain that with a coat she’ll be fine. But this guy just won’t let her go. “It’s me or the storm, baby.”

You’ve really been grand – Your eyes are like starlight now
But don’t you see – How can you do this thing to me
Now he’s blaming her. “You make me crazy! Don’t you see? I need you now!” This guy is a monster…

There’s bound to be talk tomorrow – Think of my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied – If you caught pneumonia and died
Now he’s trying to make her feel guilty. “If something bad happened to you, I’d be devastated! Do you want that on my conscience?”

I really can’t stay – Get over that hold out
Ahh, but it’s cold outside
One last attempt to stop the crazy rapist.

Baby it’s cold outside Brr its cold… It’s cold out there -Cant you stay awhile longer baby?
Well… I really shouldn’t… alright – Make it worth your while baby.
This poor woman.

Ahh, do that again…
Now here at the end, we don’t know who’s talking. But we can safely assume it’s him, and he’s just raped her. Let’s hope he used a rubber.

As you can see, Loesser (Yes, that’s his name) has dropped some…subtle hints from deep,deep into his head. But wait! That’s not all. According to the world’s most infamous source of information (Wikipedia), this song was never meant to be a Christmas song. Gee, I wonder why. And even more disturbing is the fact that this song was originally performed by Loesser and his wife, who claimed that it was their song. She was furious when Loesser sold it, first appearing in Neptune’s Daughter, where a mouse and wolf perform the song. From the get go, Loesser intended the song to be sung by a mouse(female) and a wolf(male). Even in our dearest childhood memories, The Muppet Show, Miss Piggy takes the wolf role and sings it to Kermit.

Yes, that's a whip in her hands...

Next time you’re sitting around the fire with your family and decide to spread some holiday cheer, think twice before pulling out Baby It’s Cold Outside.

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The NingTengdo Gui

My mother approached me this afternoon, leaning on the doorway while I was on the computer. I looked up and she proceeded to tell me a funny story. This is translated from Spanish, except the words that aren’t Spanish, like gui. Those I keep the same.

Mother: Your cousin is getting a gui for Christmas.

Me: A what?

Mother: A gui.

Me: Gui? What’s that?

Mother: Ay, you know. A gui! With the controls that go pio pio and make you move around.

Me: A Wii?

Mother: Yeah, a gui.

Me: No, not a “gui”, a Wii.

Mother: A gui.

Me: Wii.

Mother: Gui!

Me: Wii!

Mother: Gui!

Me: Okay, repeat after me. Woo-ie

Mother: Goo-ie.

Me: No, Wah sound. Wah. Wii.

Mother: Wah….Wah….Gwua…Gui?

Me: Yes, perfect. Gui.

She almost had it at the end there. Somewhere in the middle, she says it all low and relaxed. Gui. My mama, she so funny. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a Gui, something like a game console built out of guava pastries. Mmm, guava.

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