Picking the Perfect Tree

Merry Christmas fellow Rubbeites (I don’t know what to call ya yet… I’m working on it…) By now, you all have already probably torn all your gift wrappings to shreds and created a mini-Armageddon under your Christmas tree, and so in all honesty it’s WAAAAY too late to put all the things I’m about to tell you to good use, but there’s always next year.
After years of observing other people select and erect their great symbols of Christmas cheer, otherwise known as the coveted Christmas tree, I’ve noticed a little bit of a problem. Some people pick out the worst Christmas trees. I see them on the hoods of cars riding down the street, and I wonder how they EVER are going to decorate it. So, in the spirit of giving, I’ve decided to offer some tips on making your next tree-decision the best in your life.

1. Avoid the “Charlie Brown” Tree

Ya, I know, that Christmas special is a classic. It teaches the true meaning of Christmas. But I’m sorry to say, the meaning of Christmas is not to get a withering, dying, tiny tree with 4 branches that can’t hold even the smallest ornament without toppling the whole thing over. It doesn’t look “cute” and there certainly is nothing redeeming about it. I mean, what the heck is Santa supposed to fit under there, a few candy canes? This brings me to my next point:

2. Bottom Ring Radius (or BRR)

When your BRR is too low, you'll have to cut into your beautiful tree to make space for presents. Even drawing this hurt me a little.

This is a little statistic I literally JUST created, but I think it is an extremely important aspect to a good tree. Allow me to explain: BRR is, basically, the amount of space left under the base of the tree, measured by the circumference of the bottom-most ring of branches of the tree (oooor something like that). Why is this important? Well, it’s very simple really. The more space there is under the tree, the more gifts Santa can fit, and the happier everyone will be on Christmas morning. It means more wrapped boxes, bigger train sets, and all that good stuff! So yeah, BRR is pretty important. Obviously, the bigger the tree, the higher the BRR will be, but sometimes you’ll just have to compromise depending on your height requirements.

3. Symmetry

This seems like a relatively obvious thing, but this has to be the one offense people commit the most. There is absolutely nothing worse than having a tree that looks like it got into a horrible accident with a buzz saw, and therefore looks as 3-dimensional as a piece of paper. Sure, there are plenty of ways to cover it up, like putting it in a corner and decorating the good side, but that’s just plain wrong. And, if you DID try to decorate it as a whole, it’d be an absolute nightmare. Just trying to wrap tinsel and lights around that thing will drive you insane, and it won’t look that good either. Most importantly, however, a non-symmetrical tree effectively cuts your BRR in half! Half the tree, half the gifts.

So there you have it; three of the most important things to getting a good tree, and, ultimately, more presents! Now, if you messed up this year and made one of these mistakes, don’t worry; I’ve heard that Santa’s a pretty forgiving guy. Just leave him some milk and cookies, and he’ll do his absolute best to work with all of your lacking BRR.

Gabriel Otero

Eulogy for a Best Friend

I’m not really sure what to say. I’ve never had to write one of these before. I really miss you… It’s been a month already, but I still can’t stop thinking about you.

You were always there when I needed you, as long as I could find you. You never said
anything bad, you never complained, just did the only thing you knew how to do.

Looking back on it, I’ve realized you actually lived a long, healthy life. It’s a shame it
ended so abruptly, and I have no one but myself to blame.

In a fit of rage, thanks to a devastating New York Giants loss to the Eagles, I grabbed
a hold of you, and threw you straight across the room. Just like that, you, my favorite little
backscratcher, were gone forever.

I was left, scared and alone, having to pick up your shattered wooden remains from all
over the bedroom floor. I couldn’t afford to give you a proper burial, so I had to reluctantly
throw all of you in the garbage. To this day I haven’t replaced you.

How could I? You, the most reliable itch reliever in all the known world, personally
handed down to me from my father, a sacred Otero heirloom? It’s simply unthinkable.

I’ll admit, just the other day I was looking through some at the local dollar store. None
of them can compare to you. They’re all either shaped like some crazy animal with claws that
scratch you, or they’re too blunt to relieve even the smallest itch. You were the perfect tool; no
complicated design, all form and function.

That’s what I’ll miss the most about you: your simplicity, your elegance, and your
eagerness to perform your carpenter given duty. I grew up knowing that, whenever I called on
you, you would scratch my back and I wouldn’t have to scratch yours. And now you’re nothing
but a memory.

So, I want to take this opportunity to say my last goodbye, and let you know that I
honestly did not mean for what happened to happen. But deep down, I know you knew that to be
true.

I know you’re out there, hopefully being recycled so you can live another fulfilling
wooden life, and I just want you to know that there will NEVER be another like you, but I think
you and I both know that.

-With great remorse and sincerity, Your greatest friend,

Gabe

If only he knew....

Forever Infatuated With My Phalanges

The greatest gifts my mother ever gave me were my 10 fingers. Like seriously….they beat out the Playstation 2 I got for Christmas 2001.
My fingers have always been there to help me out. Always there when I needed assistance in math, kept me hanging on monkey bars, and gave me company during lonely nights…but we won’t get into that.
These ten bony, bendable fixtures have been the outlet for my creativity, athleticism,  and skill, and have poked around countless Pringle cans, bodily crevices, and tapped in more Grand Theft Auto cheat codes than I care to remember.

I love those little bastards.

But what I truly covet most about my fingers is that they’ve always kept me fed like a 24 hours Denny’s.

Folks,I must admit….I adore biting my fingernails. My steady diet of wedgie-pickers and back-scratchers has been confused for anxiety and apprehension.

Alas my friends, have no worries. I simply have an insatiable appetite for my mother’s genetic home cooking.
You’ll know I’m enjoying my meal when I go back for seconds…then thirds…then fourths, fifths, sixths…you get the picture.

It’s like a never ending buffet of crunchy, salty snacks; and the best part about it…..I don’t have to share.

Yeah, I love digging for gold and peeling off stickers on fruits as much as the next guy, but goddamn, do they taste GOOD!……..At least it ain’t crack cocaine.

Right?

  Marvin Pineda

An Ode to the Surprise Onion Ring in an Order of French Fries

This is for the Onion Ring that was breaded and fried,
And somehow got misplaced in my box of fries.
You made me so happy, you made me so gay,
But how did you end up in my order today?

The cook, ever so generous, slaved in the kitchen.
With food all around, it must have been bitchin!
He worked so fast as he scooped up my fries,
He picked you up too, and it slipped past his eyes

He hands me the bag, Whopper, fries and all,
I reach into it, and time seems to stall.
Because when I look at the fries, what else do I see,
But a single ring in a bed of potatoes staring at me.

You’re so much different from your potato counterparts.
They’re straight and you’re round; that’s a good start.
What can I say but you’re one of a kind,
Especially since you left your onion comrades behind.

You certainly tasted like no other,
Definitely different from your long golden brothers.
And there it is, my great ode to you,
And Hopefully next time, they’ll slip in two.

Lady Gaga: Destroyer of Worlds

Lady Gaga scares the shit out of me. Look at the stuff she wears. It’s like she’s from another planet. She probably is. I know she is. I swear she’s going to take over the world someday. And when she does, never say I didn’t tell you so.

I mean, the signs are right there in front of us. Her clothing seemingly cannot be replicated by any other human being. She even calls herself the “Fame Monster.” How much more evidence do we need? She’s clearly another worldly being who’s intent on finishing off the entire Milky Way.

She tries to draw us all in by trying to look cute, pretending to have a stuttering problem. “Pa-pa-pa-pokerface pa-pa-pokerface,” “papa-papa-paparazzi.”…. I’m not falling for any of it.

It’s all part of her master plan. Can’t you tell? For god’s sake, she already has Elton John on her side! First she’ll take over the pop charts, then planet Earth. It’s all just a matter of time now.

Being the overlord of Earth won’t be enough either. No way. She’ll quickly get bored and destroy us all, change her name to Mistress Googoo, and fly away in her spaceship to another world to do the same to them. I’m telling you, this bitch is crazy!

I know what you’re thinking, “how can we stop this?” It’s simple: stop listening to her music. Don’t pay attention to any of the stuff she says or does, and her power will dwindle down to nearly nothing.

Yeah, that ought to get her annoying shit off the radio.

Guest Rubber: Gabriel Otero